Honest Enough
We are so fragile. So delicate. So prone to hurt and crumble under strain. More often than not, I think our response is to dismiss this fragility and fane strength with a false sense of confidence to ourselves and those around us. A year-or-so ago I decided to make a conscious effort to remember how fragile we are. I wanted to be intentional about how I interacted. I wanted to build up, and not break down the people around me. I aimed to be deliberate about my care and concern for others and myself.
Now, I'm taking a moment to reflect on the challenges of that decision.
It's easy to resolve oneself to some kind of self-reform, until the first hurdle comes up and selfishness rears its little head. It's been a challenge to lay off my own insecurities, doubts and anxieties for the sake of upholding my decision. This has especially been a challenge when faced with social obligations. In many cases, I've overcome this by just "getting over myself"! Denying the self, and remembering that it's not about me.
The other challenge was unforeseen. It was an unintentional consequence of the decision I had taken. At the time, I didn't realize how much honesty played a role in the way I would begin to treat people. If I was going to earnestly pursue the good of others, then I needed to be honest with them at all times... and especially when honesty was hardest. I needed to express myself in ways that were uncomfortable, ways that may have deviated from certain social expectations. It meant standing up for what I believed in, calling out on injustices, defending the weak and affirming my position on certain issues. I could no longer sweep things under the rug and pretend that they didn't exist. Instead, I needed to be bold and courageous to say what needed to be said. And this is a challenge I want to linger on...
The longer I dwelt upon this, the more honesty was required and the harder the conversations became. I was tactical and gracious in my responses, careful not to lose sight of what had lead me to being honest in the context of a fragile world. Yet, somehow, I found myself deliberating between being "honest enough" and "too honest". I'm not referring to mundane cases, where someone asks me "how are you?" and I default to "Good" when honestly I'm a little nervous or excited or severely PMSing. I'm referring to that moment when someone's words make you feel uneasy, but you just sit back and allow them to repeat those words and in turn hurt others. This is an honesty that beckons us out of our comfort cavity and into the openness of confrontation - the healthy kind. Sometimes my response leaves me wondering, "Was that honest enough? Did my words really capture what I meant to say in its entirety?". Other times I think, "Wow! Maybe that was too honest. Borderline self-righteous".
So how do I overcome this? How do I know when to say the right thing? How can I be just honest enough? As I've wrestled with this, I've discovered that there's wisdom in learning to bite your tongue. I think that's what it boils down to, actually - wisdom. So that's what I pray for. That's what I need more of, if I plan to follow through with my decision to regard the emotional and spiritual fragility of the individual life. This is my ambition, not for my sake but for the sake and glory of God.
The other challenge was unforeseen. It was an unintentional consequence of the decision I had taken. At the time, I didn't realize how much honesty played a role in the way I would begin to treat people. If I was going to earnestly pursue the good of others, then I needed to be honest with them at all times... and especially when honesty was hardest. I needed to express myself in ways that were uncomfortable, ways that may have deviated from certain social expectations. It meant standing up for what I believed in, calling out on injustices, defending the weak and affirming my position on certain issues. I could no longer sweep things under the rug and pretend that they didn't exist. Instead, I needed to be bold and courageous to say what needed to be said. And this is a challenge I want to linger on...
The longer I dwelt upon this, the more honesty was required and the harder the conversations became. I was tactical and gracious in my responses, careful not to lose sight of what had lead me to being honest in the context of a fragile world. Yet, somehow, I found myself deliberating between being "honest enough" and "too honest". I'm not referring to mundane cases, where someone asks me "how are you?" and I default to "Good" when honestly I'm a little nervous or excited or severely PMSing. I'm referring to that moment when someone's words make you feel uneasy, but you just sit back and allow them to repeat those words and in turn hurt others. This is an honesty that beckons us out of our comfort cavity and into the openness of confrontation - the healthy kind. Sometimes my response leaves me wondering, "Was that honest enough? Did my words really capture what I meant to say in its entirety?". Other times I think, "Wow! Maybe that was too honest. Borderline self-righteous".
So how do I overcome this? How do I know when to say the right thing? How can I be just honest enough? As I've wrestled with this, I've discovered that there's wisdom in learning to bite your tongue. I think that's what it boils down to, actually - wisdom. So that's what I pray for. That's what I need more of, if I plan to follow through with my decision to regard the emotional and spiritual fragility of the individual life. This is my ambition, not for my sake but for the sake and glory of God.
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